Failing Sucks!

I'm a trier. I try lots of things. Sewing for example, I love doing it, I'm not good at it. Cooking, love it, not good at it. Writing, I've got this blog, which I'm not planning on it being great, but I had a few other 'platforms' that i really wanted to make even a small impact with. All it ended up doing was making me feel dumb and talentless. I felt how much the world didn't want to hear what I had to say, even if I was trying to make change for the better.

I am so willing to try but I get discouraged easily and give up. I've noticed this more and more lately. Many women I know, especially the stay at home moms, are so craft and artsy and I try to do some of those things and realize I'm no good or no one likes what i do and it crushes me to the point of depression. I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad for me. I don't even feel bad for me. It's more like I'm made at me for being so stupid and giving up so often. As a women in my mid twenties most people would think that I've found my self and understand me and my own personality. This, however couldn't be farther from the truth. It's almost the opposite. The older I get the less I know about me and who I am. I've been struggling to find my self worth.

The more I dig into God's word the more I feel my stresses about my self fade. I'm quickly realizing how much I need God right now and how much his love and guidance has kept me from depression. I haven't struggled this much with depression sense I was a freshman in high school. Then it wasn't so bad, I had wonderful friends that would keep me in check and help me out of my personal pit of despair. Now, I feel so alone. Away from friends and family that are stronger then me. I'm having to stand on my own, leaning on God and my husband for support. (with our trying to stress the hubby out too)

The good news is my spout of laziness is over and I'm aware of my pathetic state now, I can effectively and swiftly dive into God and fix this. I'm sick of letting my downfalls bring me down.
Here's to letting God determine my worth!

Getting Tired of The Same Old Thing.

Lately I seem to be stuck in a rut. I want to have a nice house. Clean and tidy. However, I can't seem to get a grip on thinks. No matter how much I clean, organize, or consolidate the house explodes into a mess with in a day. 


Is it me not being consistent or is it that I'm the only one not contributing to the mess? At this point it doesn't really matter. I am just Sick of it. I am tired of cleaning and working my butt off with no hope of my efforts sticking around for any length of time. I am just plain sick of cleaning. 


I've even begun to neglect making dinner. One, because I know that the whole of the mess from dinner will stay there until I go to clean it. Two, because I feel as if no one wants to eat what I make. Every one has become picky and I guess it's my fault that I've begun to cater to their every need. This however, leaves me feeling useless and hurt, not to mention that dinner is based on what every one else wants and my wants get pushed aside. 


Now this is the way I feel. Maybe it's all in my head and maybe it's real. I can't be the only stay at home mom that feels this. I see some women who's houses are or at least seem to be clean all the time. How do they do it? I'm exhausted of running my never ending errands. 


I'm taking a lazy spell... and have no idea how long it will last. Just sticking to the minimal amount that will keep this house functional. 

The babysitting TV

I remember, when i had my first child, so many women raved about not letting the TV become a babysitter for my daughter. They all said how my poor kids would become "brain dead" and lose their social skills. 


For some reason opinions, of moms that is, has seemed to change recently. All the doctors and child developmental specialist on TV and through books keep saying that too much TV is bad and limit kids to what seems like and almost unrealistic amount of TV a week. I've seemed to notice, however, that many moms find their kids favorite television shows as some what of a life saver. 


While some moms are being good and making their kids do puzzles, read books, or play outside other moms are giving in to the pressure and turning on Micky Mouse Club House. If your like me, it's become one of the only times during the day that you can think and it' become addictive. So, while the kids aren't being annoying or bad and while I'm not needing a break or a moment to think, I've become addicted to the peace, solitude and moment to breath that playing their favorite programs has afforded me. I know that it may seem "horrid" to some of the women out there that made it through motherhood with out 'on demand'. 

I have tried to find a balance between my addiction, their want and what is good for us all. Let me just be honest. There are times when I know I should pick up a book and read to my kids, there are times when I know I should put down my iPhone and play with my kids and there are times when I know I should turn off the TV and get creative with my kids but I lack the energy and motivation to do so. It doesn't last long though. After a few days of Barney and Cars2, a feeling of guilt overwhelms me. I engage with my children and play with them to the point where they begin to get sick of me. They begin to go off and play together with out Mommy. Then I enjoy the solitude and my addiction starts all over again. 


So, I've made it my goal to be balanced. I know that not every day will turn out as I hope but that will not keep me from trying to improve. Every mom can learn from another mom, or even mom-to-be. I take what I see from friends and family and use it to help improve the lives of my children, in turn, improving my life as well. I don't know it all and I am will to learn. I'll take advice and criticize it in a heart beat, not because I think it's bad but because i want the theory and knowledge behind it to be fully understood. 


Here starts the end of giving in, and here starts the beginning of being strong and knowing that I Can handle what is at my feet.