Failing Sucks!

I'm a trier. I try lots of things. Sewing for example, I love doing it, I'm not good at it. Cooking, love it, not good at it. Writing, I've got this blog, which I'm not planning on it being great, but I had a few other 'platforms' that i really wanted to make even a small impact with. All it ended up doing was making me feel dumb and talentless. I felt how much the world didn't want to hear what I had to say, even if I was trying to make change for the better.

I am so willing to try but I get discouraged easily and give up. I've noticed this more and more lately. Many women I know, especially the stay at home moms, are so craft and artsy and I try to do some of those things and realize I'm no good or no one likes what i do and it crushes me to the point of depression. I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad for me. I don't even feel bad for me. It's more like I'm made at me for being so stupid and giving up so often. As a women in my mid twenties most people would think that I've found my self and understand me and my own personality. This, however couldn't be farther from the truth. It's almost the opposite. The older I get the less I know about me and who I am. I've been struggling to find my self worth.

The more I dig into God's word the more I feel my stresses about my self fade. I'm quickly realizing how much I need God right now and how much his love and guidance has kept me from depression. I haven't struggled this much with depression sense I was a freshman in high school. Then it wasn't so bad, I had wonderful friends that would keep me in check and help me out of my personal pit of despair. Now, I feel so alone. Away from friends and family that are stronger then me. I'm having to stand on my own, leaning on God and my husband for support. (with our trying to stress the hubby out too)

The good news is my spout of laziness is over and I'm aware of my pathetic state now, I can effectively and swiftly dive into God and fix this. I'm sick of letting my downfalls bring me down.
Here's to letting God determine my worth!

Getting Tired of The Same Old Thing.

Lately I seem to be stuck in a rut. I want to have a nice house. Clean and tidy. However, I can't seem to get a grip on thinks. No matter how much I clean, organize, or consolidate the house explodes into a mess with in a day. 


Is it me not being consistent or is it that I'm the only one not contributing to the mess? At this point it doesn't really matter. I am just Sick of it. I am tired of cleaning and working my butt off with no hope of my efforts sticking around for any length of time. I am just plain sick of cleaning. 


I've even begun to neglect making dinner. One, because I know that the whole of the mess from dinner will stay there until I go to clean it. Two, because I feel as if no one wants to eat what I make. Every one has become picky and I guess it's my fault that I've begun to cater to their every need. This however, leaves me feeling useless and hurt, not to mention that dinner is based on what every one else wants and my wants get pushed aside. 


Now this is the way I feel. Maybe it's all in my head and maybe it's real. I can't be the only stay at home mom that feels this. I see some women who's houses are or at least seem to be clean all the time. How do they do it? I'm exhausted of running my never ending errands. 


I'm taking a lazy spell... and have no idea how long it will last. Just sticking to the minimal amount that will keep this house functional. 

Faith in Reality.

Is it loss of faith to want to face reality?

I was asked this question today and it really has me thinking. My simple response was "No, it is not loss of faith to want to face reality". Many reasons for my answer went thru my head and I gave the ones that applied to the situation. My first thought, God is Reality. Christ came to earth... ever heard the saying "come back to earth" or "stop living in the clouds" or "snap into reality"? Christ came to our reality to help us in our real situations. How is facing the reality losing faith? Trusting in God when all hope is lost, but what are you trusting him for? Some say that we should never give up and that giving up is also giving up on your faith and hope. Taking action or moving to change things, even when those around say its taboo, is not losing faith. Stepping out, trusting God will take care of you despite what others think or say is a tremendous act of faith.

Going against all odds, throwing your self into the unknown, scared, terrified really, but trusting that God will hold out his hand and cover your heart, That is real faith. Bad things will happen, doubt will come, others will look down in judgement, but God knows your heart. Leaning on him will get you thru. Yes you will get bumps. Maybe even bruises, but you'll be surprised with how strong you really are. Like the song says, "My strength is in you, Lord and My hope is in you, Lord and My faith is in you, Lord". In him we find strength to carry on, Hope to carry on and Faith to carry on. Know that there is more than this moment that you are living for. There is more than this life that we are living for. An eternity with our Father is our goal, our true life's work, and to bring as many with us as possible. Living our life as an example for him, even when our life is a mess. Especially when other's see all the bad and none of the good.

There is one simple thing that everyone should know whenever things are good or bad, God Is Love. He gives it to us freely, all we need to is trust and acknowledge him as our Lord and Savior. God loves all, but we have to except it. He already loves us, cares, and is ready to take on the challenges we face holding our hand and guiding us thru. Are we willing to let go and let God.

Yesterday was hard, but i'm ok now....

The day started off great. The kids were both in a good mood and so was i. We got on the web cam with my mom and things were going fine. Aedin was starting to get tired and fussy and i was a lil on the short temper side. I had to keep stoping and taking a deep breath. Alana was all in my face but i know she just wanted to play. Poor Alana hasn't been getting very much attention lately and it's tearing me up inside.

Ryan calls and says we have an appointment to go to in 3 hours. My initial reaction was "UGH!" I was already having a hard time with the kids and now i'm gonna have to find time to get the kids and myself ready. By this time it was eleven and i hadn't yet found time to eat. I threw something together for Alana and then went to put myself together. Thank God, Aedin had fallen asleep so i could get ready. Twelve thirty rolls around and I put Aedin in his car seat, diaper bag and Alana are ready to go... but no Ryan. I thought maybe he got held up at work so i waited. It was almost one so i called Ryan at work.... the appointments not till one thirty... i was a lil irritated and mad. I rushed to be ready by noon. Why didn't he tell me the right time... did he not trust that i would be ready on time?!

The appointment was an irritating and frustrating topic in it self, for me at least. Passports, ugh, after Ryan insisted on getting passports off base when we didn't need to. I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen to me... after all what do i know... he read the paper work, not me. Then to get there and find out that it will be $422 times three!!! Thank God, Alana had to potty cause i needed to get out of there. While i was gone Ryan explained to the lady about our other passports and she explained to him how to get it on our GTC. So, Hopefully he does all the the way she said and we don't have to pay for anything.

On top of all this frustration Ryan was being weird. He kept leaving me alone with the kids to go out side by him self or in the garage... After the kinda day i had he wasn't even gonna help me with the kids. All i wanted to do was have him put his arm around me and take some of the stress of the kids from me but instead i got ignored. I wanted to go cry in his arms but i couldn't and this made me mad. Then, to top a bad day off with crap, he told me that I was the reason why he was sad and having a bad day! I wanted to just go off! Inside i was but i couldn't allow my self to on the outside. He said that i wasn't giving him a say in the leave dates that HE asked me to figure out with him. When he got frustrated with it i asked him if he just wanted to me to do it and he could go over it later... he said yes. I only did what he wanted me to do but i'm the bad guy for some reason. I couldn't understand where he was getting this from. I hadn't done anything wrong but i was being treated like i did.

I called my Mom this morning to ask her to pray and she had some insight for me. I thank God for my Mom. Now i have a better understanding of where my husband is coming from and how to address it. I'm not angry any more. Just a lil hurt but i'll get over it. The important thing is that Ry knows how much i love him and how much i value his opinion. So, i have a lot to do today. On top of taking care of the kids i have a butt load of house work, which is too much for me to get done in one day with out help, and i need to find a way to show my love to Ry in a way that he needs it. I can't make today about me, it's about my hubby. Time to start my mission for the day.

Pride in your skin color.

I don't know if it's just me or if others have noticed it, But why is everyone trying to change their natural born skin color. Society pressures girls with beautiful Milky white skin to tan and get darker cause they are to bright. Society pressures girls with beautiful silk chocolate skin to stay out of the sun cause they are to dark. I'm very light skinned and I love it. I think the wide and never ending variety of skin colors are SO beautiful! God's wonderful work of art! Some people feel the need to change who they naturally are to become more "attractive"... But that is a matter of opinion! There is a wide variety of people and personalities out there, and along with that there is a wide variety of skin colors and eye colors to match those personalities! I think we should just leave our sweet skin colors alone and it someone has a problem with it then they aren't worth our precious time anyway! So i guess, I'm White!!! and Get over it!!! I love it!!!