Failing Sucks!

I'm a trier. I try lots of things. Sewing for example, I love doing it, I'm not good at it. Cooking, love it, not good at it. Writing, I've got this blog, which I'm not planning on it being great, but I had a few other 'platforms' that i really wanted to make even a small impact with. All it ended up doing was making me feel dumb and talentless. I felt how much the world didn't want to hear what I had to say, even if I was trying to make change for the better.

I am so willing to try but I get discouraged easily and give up. I've noticed this more and more lately. Many women I know, especially the stay at home moms, are so craft and artsy and I try to do some of those things and realize I'm no good or no one likes what i do and it crushes me to the point of depression. I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad for me. I don't even feel bad for me. It's more like I'm made at me for being so stupid and giving up so often. As a women in my mid twenties most people would think that I've found my self and understand me and my own personality. This, however couldn't be farther from the truth. It's almost the opposite. The older I get the less I know about me and who I am. I've been struggling to find my self worth.

The more I dig into God's word the more I feel my stresses about my self fade. I'm quickly realizing how much I need God right now and how much his love and guidance has kept me from depression. I haven't struggled this much with depression sense I was a freshman in high school. Then it wasn't so bad, I had wonderful friends that would keep me in check and help me out of my personal pit of despair. Now, I feel so alone. Away from friends and family that are stronger then me. I'm having to stand on my own, leaning on God and my husband for support. (with our trying to stress the hubby out too)

The good news is my spout of laziness is over and I'm aware of my pathetic state now, I can effectively and swiftly dive into God and fix this. I'm sick of letting my downfalls bring me down.
Here's to letting God determine my worth!

Getting Tired of The Same Old Thing.

Lately I seem to be stuck in a rut. I want to have a nice house. Clean and tidy. However, I can't seem to get a grip on thinks. No matter how much I clean, organize, or consolidate the house explodes into a mess with in a day. 


Is it me not being consistent or is it that I'm the only one not contributing to the mess? At this point it doesn't really matter. I am just Sick of it. I am tired of cleaning and working my butt off with no hope of my efforts sticking around for any length of time. I am just plain sick of cleaning. 


I've even begun to neglect making dinner. One, because I know that the whole of the mess from dinner will stay there until I go to clean it. Two, because I feel as if no one wants to eat what I make. Every one has become picky and I guess it's my fault that I've begun to cater to their every need. This however, leaves me feeling useless and hurt, not to mention that dinner is based on what every one else wants and my wants get pushed aside. 


Now this is the way I feel. Maybe it's all in my head and maybe it's real. I can't be the only stay at home mom that feels this. I see some women who's houses are or at least seem to be clean all the time. How do they do it? I'm exhausted of running my never ending errands. 


I'm taking a lazy spell... and have no idea how long it will last. Just sticking to the minimal amount that will keep this house functional. 

Men and Women

I know God has created men and women different... but oh my gosh!!! Every time i think the hubby and i have agreed on some thing i find out that he had some thing totally different in mind.

For instance, when we were choosing a crib for my first born i thought we had decided on a convert-a-bed. Now two years later we have to buy a new bed cause the convert-a-bed is just falling apart. My daughters mattress in on the floor because the bolts on the bed are stripped and we couldn't get the mattress holder back on, even with special screws that are suppose to unscrew stripped bolts. I asked the hubby one night if we were going to buy a new bed for Alana as well, as a crib for the baby. He chuckled at me and made a smart comment about how "I" insisted on having the convert-a-bed. It really hurt my feelings. I thought we both agreed on that bed.

I'm not picking the baby bed this time around. I can't understand why when i don't ask his opinion i'm accused of being insensitive and not valuing his opinion but when i ask what he wants i'm accused of pushing my opinion on him and pressuring him to make a choice. I can't understand how, after three years of marriage, he can still say that he doesn't think i value his opinion. He still thinks i push my opinion on him and all i do is ask what he thinks and why. He has NO idea how much this hurts!

How will i, or will i ever get across to him that i truly do want to know what he thinks and i don't want choices in our life to be made based solely on what i want? I hate it when i find out that he just gave in to what i wanted cause he didn't think his opinion mattered. When i ask why he wants that he instantly assumes that i'm challenging his idea when i only want to understand his idea. So, he gives in to what i want and then resents me for not getting his way.

I must admit this issue gives me many nights of stress and crying. If i'm really the problem then i pray God changes me, if it's just him being insecure then i pray God changes that. But this issue has already cause pain and hurt on my end and i have to pray God heals and restores this part of my marriage.