Yesterday was hard, but i'm ok now....

The day started off great. The kids were both in a good mood and so was i. We got on the web cam with my mom and things were going fine. Aedin was starting to get tired and fussy and i was a lil on the short temper side. I had to keep stoping and taking a deep breath. Alana was all in my face but i know she just wanted to play. Poor Alana hasn't been getting very much attention lately and it's tearing me up inside.

Ryan calls and says we have an appointment to go to in 3 hours. My initial reaction was "UGH!" I was already having a hard time with the kids and now i'm gonna have to find time to get the kids and myself ready. By this time it was eleven and i hadn't yet found time to eat. I threw something together for Alana and then went to put myself together. Thank God, Aedin had fallen asleep so i could get ready. Twelve thirty rolls around and I put Aedin in his car seat, diaper bag and Alana are ready to go... but no Ryan. I thought maybe he got held up at work so i waited. It was almost one so i called Ryan at work.... the appointments not till one thirty... i was a lil irritated and mad. I rushed to be ready by noon. Why didn't he tell me the right time... did he not trust that i would be ready on time?!

The appointment was an irritating and frustrating topic in it self, for me at least. Passports, ugh, after Ryan insisted on getting passports off base when we didn't need to. I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen to me... after all what do i know... he read the paper work, not me. Then to get there and find out that it will be $422 times three!!! Thank God, Alana had to potty cause i needed to get out of there. While i was gone Ryan explained to the lady about our other passports and she explained to him how to get it on our GTC. So, Hopefully he does all the the way she said and we don't have to pay for anything.

On top of all this frustration Ryan was being weird. He kept leaving me alone with the kids to go out side by him self or in the garage... After the kinda day i had he wasn't even gonna help me with the kids. All i wanted to do was have him put his arm around me and take some of the stress of the kids from me but instead i got ignored. I wanted to go cry in his arms but i couldn't and this made me mad. Then, to top a bad day off with crap, he told me that I was the reason why he was sad and having a bad day! I wanted to just go off! Inside i was but i couldn't allow my self to on the outside. He said that i wasn't giving him a say in the leave dates that HE asked me to figure out with him. When he got frustrated with it i asked him if he just wanted to me to do it and he could go over it later... he said yes. I only did what he wanted me to do but i'm the bad guy for some reason. I couldn't understand where he was getting this from. I hadn't done anything wrong but i was being treated like i did.

I called my Mom this morning to ask her to pray and she had some insight for me. I thank God for my Mom. Now i have a better understanding of where my husband is coming from and how to address it. I'm not angry any more. Just a lil hurt but i'll get over it. The important thing is that Ry knows how much i love him and how much i value his opinion. So, i have a lot to do today. On top of taking care of the kids i have a butt load of house work, which is too much for me to get done in one day with out help, and i need to find a way to show my love to Ry in a way that he needs it. I can't make today about me, it's about my hubby. Time to start my mission for the day.

Moving!!??

Happy, excitement, panic, nervous, scared, relieved... These are all the feelings that came flooding in when i realized that Ry wasn't joking about us moving to England. I was SO happy and relieved that we would be close to Ry's mom and not in some crazy foreign country all by ourselves. The panic, nervousness and scared came from not knowing what to do and feeling very unprepared.

I can't wait to go and spend time with my mother in law. I want so much for her to see the kids and get to know them. As well as the kids get to know the other side of the family. Plus, all my own family history that I'm eager to learn and see. We (the hubby and I) are so ready to travel through Europe other countries that are at hand. How awesome will it be to visit France and Ireland!

With all this good it hurts me to be so sad about going. I'm going to miss my Family WAY TO MUCH!! I'm super close to my mom and talk to her everyday. Am i going to lose this when we move? Will Ben and Lani even remember me? How will they know how much their Auntie loves them if i can't hug them and tell them so? Ugh! i feel my heart breaking! I can't think about this with out starting to cry.

Another thing, i don't know how our money will work, how to get around, the language differences, driving on the left side. What about sending packages home for holidays? What should we get rid of before we go? The questions are every where and all over the board. Yet, at times i can't remember a thing! Part of me says I'm being to worry some, but another part is freaking out saying "What if there is some thing i haven't thought of?" and "Can i really do this?"

I'm trying my best not to freak out and let my family and friends know how scared i really am. They keep saying it will be all right and I'm stronger then i know but they don't even know half of how freaked out i truly am. My heart starts beating really fast and i feel nauseated and sick to my stomach when we start talking about it. Even now, I'm dizzy.

God, Help me to FULLY trust in you!

Twila Paris - God Is In Control

Men and Women

I know God has created men and women different... but oh my gosh!!! Every time i think the hubby and i have agreed on some thing i find out that he had some thing totally different in mind.

For instance, when we were choosing a crib for my first born i thought we had decided on a convert-a-bed. Now two years later we have to buy a new bed cause the convert-a-bed is just falling apart. My daughters mattress in on the floor because the bolts on the bed are stripped and we couldn't get the mattress holder back on, even with special screws that are suppose to unscrew stripped bolts. I asked the hubby one night if we were going to buy a new bed for Alana as well, as a crib for the baby. He chuckled at me and made a smart comment about how "I" insisted on having the convert-a-bed. It really hurt my feelings. I thought we both agreed on that bed.

I'm not picking the baby bed this time around. I can't understand why when i don't ask his opinion i'm accused of being insensitive and not valuing his opinion but when i ask what he wants i'm accused of pushing my opinion on him and pressuring him to make a choice. I can't understand how, after three years of marriage, he can still say that he doesn't think i value his opinion. He still thinks i push my opinion on him and all i do is ask what he thinks and why. He has NO idea how much this hurts!

How will i, or will i ever get across to him that i truly do want to know what he thinks and i don't want choices in our life to be made based solely on what i want? I hate it when i find out that he just gave in to what i wanted cause he didn't think his opinion mattered. When i ask why he wants that he instantly assumes that i'm challenging his idea when i only want to understand his idea. So, he gives in to what i want and then resents me for not getting his way.

I must admit this issue gives me many nights of stress and crying. If i'm really the problem then i pray God changes me, if it's just him being insecure then i pray God changes that. But this issue has already cause pain and hurt on my end and i have to pray God heals and restores this part of my marriage.

Pride in your skin color.

I don't know if it's just me or if others have noticed it, But why is everyone trying to change their natural born skin color. Society pressures girls with beautiful Milky white skin to tan and get darker cause they are to bright. Society pressures girls with beautiful silk chocolate skin to stay out of the sun cause they are to dark. I'm very light skinned and I love it. I think the wide and never ending variety of skin colors are SO beautiful! God's wonderful work of art! Some people feel the need to change who they naturally are to become more "attractive"... But that is a matter of opinion! There is a wide variety of people and personalities out there, and along with that there is a wide variety of skin colors and eye colors to match those personalities! I think we should just leave our sweet skin colors alone and it someone has a problem with it then they aren't worth our precious time anyway! So i guess, I'm White!!! and Get over it!!! I love it!!!

New to the Blogging world.

New to the blogging world. I've been thinking of doing it for some time but was hesitant. Who would really care what i have to say? Then i though... i don't care if any one reads it or if any one really cares what i have to say. I want to get what's in my head down in writing. There have been so many times that i've had things i've wanted to say or thoughts i've wanted to express but didn't know who to turn to or what the reaction would be. I feel Blogging would be a great way to express those feeling and say those things with out the worry of an initial reaction. So, that's all i have to say right now. Be back soon when the mind is working and the mouth isn't.