Failing Sucks!

I'm a trier. I try lots of things. Sewing for example, I love doing it, I'm not good at it. Cooking, love it, not good at it. Writing, I've got this blog, which I'm not planning on it being great, but I had a few other 'platforms' that i really wanted to make even a small impact with. All it ended up doing was making me feel dumb and talentless. I felt how much the world didn't want to hear what I had to say, even if I was trying to make change for the better.

I am so willing to try but I get discouraged easily and give up. I've noticed this more and more lately. Many women I know, especially the stay at home moms, are so craft and artsy and I try to do some of those things and realize I'm no good or no one likes what i do and it crushes me to the point of depression. I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad for me. I don't even feel bad for me. It's more like I'm made at me for being so stupid and giving up so often. As a women in my mid twenties most people would think that I've found my self and understand me and my own personality. This, however couldn't be farther from the truth. It's almost the opposite. The older I get the less I know about me and who I am. I've been struggling to find my self worth.

The more I dig into God's word the more I feel my stresses about my self fade. I'm quickly realizing how much I need God right now and how much his love and guidance has kept me from depression. I haven't struggled this much with depression sense I was a freshman in high school. Then it wasn't so bad, I had wonderful friends that would keep me in check and help me out of my personal pit of despair. Now, I feel so alone. Away from friends and family that are stronger then me. I'm having to stand on my own, leaning on God and my husband for support. (with our trying to stress the hubby out too)

The good news is my spout of laziness is over and I'm aware of my pathetic state now, I can effectively and swiftly dive into God and fix this. I'm sick of letting my downfalls bring me down.
Here's to letting God determine my worth!

PMS/Self Control

Most women go crazy and lose emotional control once a month. There are a few out there, like my self, who pride themselves in being emotionally in control. I never would let the symptoms of PMS take over my life or change my behavior.

However, recently I have found that PMS has taken an all new, and ever so strong, hold on my emotions and brain that I have lost almost all of my once prided self control. I can't imagine how women can go thru this every month for the majority of their life. I'm so exhausted from just a few overwhelming PMS episodes. The thing that bothers me the most is that I know what I'm doing but I lack the will, or even the want, to control my actions. Not only my action are continuing unchecked. My feelings are left to run away and cause my emotions to rollercoaster out of control.

I can't understand if I've lost my will or if I'm simply a little hormonally imbalanced. What ever it is should get in check soon or my poor family is going to think I'm crazy. I know I'm not the only one who has distributive PMS. My goal is to get my feelings and actions back in check. First step is to prepare myself every day with a determination to triumph in emotional self control.

Getting Tired of The Same Old Thing.

Lately I seem to be stuck in a rut. I want to have a nice house. Clean and tidy. However, I can't seem to get a grip on thinks. No matter how much I clean, organize, or consolidate the house explodes into a mess with in a day. 


Is it me not being consistent or is it that I'm the only one not contributing to the mess? At this point it doesn't really matter. I am just Sick of it. I am tired of cleaning and working my butt off with no hope of my efforts sticking around for any length of time. I am just plain sick of cleaning. 


I've even begun to neglect making dinner. One, because I know that the whole of the mess from dinner will stay there until I go to clean it. Two, because I feel as if no one wants to eat what I make. Every one has become picky and I guess it's my fault that I've begun to cater to their every need. This however, leaves me feeling useless and hurt, not to mention that dinner is based on what every one else wants and my wants get pushed aside. 


Now this is the way I feel. Maybe it's all in my head and maybe it's real. I can't be the only stay at home mom that feels this. I see some women who's houses are or at least seem to be clean all the time. How do they do it? I'm exhausted of running my never ending errands. 


I'm taking a lazy spell... and have no idea how long it will last. Just sticking to the minimal amount that will keep this house functional.